To Love or Not to Love

Beautiful things happen to beautiful people,this is what I believe.
In fact Life is all perfect when you are perfect.And How you can be perfect is when you find your perfectness epitomized in that one special person or when you meet your perfect partner!
This post is all about how that one person who walks into your life and you began to say...Before I met him ( phase) and after I met him (phase)!

There is a certain magic in the word love itself.Its one of the powerful dosage of feel good essence wherein you start believing in all those stories where there is always a happy end..
You get enthralled by the sheer presence of that person around you and intoxicated by a smile thats meant only for you.
When  feelings are reciprocated its one of those miraculous moments wherein you wonder yes this is why I was born! this is why I am here and this is how your angels have planned your life...Then we also realize that is why somethings didnot happen the way we had wanted them..

But before all these pretty things start to materialize there is a phase in between that is the acceptance phase wherein we even donot hesitate to convince ourself that whatever this is its not Love its just the hormones suffering from bout of Lust.Its just that too cute smile of his weaving the charm and its all restricted to jumping in the sack.
Then out of the blue,you realise not really there is also a good deal to talk to,to share with him,not just the stolen kisses,not just the lust driven feelings there is more to it!
Then the human tendency of denial,of running away and blocking also!!

Then after all the unfailed attempts you  have to accept ,It is love and nothing less than that!
but to reach to this stage there is an important bridge to burn which to Love or To Not........

Nuit Blanche

Life is turning out well for everyone ,my family is happy,friends all married and well settled,few others already planning their first child and yes joy and happiness all around!

While I am still figuring out here,sitting by the window,laptop on my lap ,gazing up through the lacy veil of leaves overhead,still thinking,and also trying to analyze the source of my growing discontentment.

May be I am a born crusader,a real do gooder and a sucker for people in trouble.somehow my life centers around people who need me, I have realized that I want to be needed.I always want to be a value add but then that results in upheaval always!

The thought of resigning from the present job,of going away and leaving everything behind,relocating perhaps to a different country is just too hard to contemplate!

 I am waiting.Something I can sense is going to happen,something that will bring situation to a head,force me to take action and remove the decision from my hand!

I know  I am just misunderstanding people around ,may be its just me  being tormented by old familiar weakness.Weakness to love and trust people.May be my craving to be the strong and giving partner in any relationship could really explain that why I end up the one whose always let down by others!

It’s a strange mixture of apprehension and relief!

But then as I remember his face,his presence ,his dark devilish charms,the so handsome and arrogant and aristocratic finely sculpted features ,his powerful body and brilliant fire of intelligence in his eyes……..I almost feel a helpless over powering surge of physical  warmth and desire that flows like rich liquid fire through my whole body  leaving me feeling limp and shaky..And then as usual the initial shock of desire is followed by a melancholy stab of emptiness  and sadness and a vast ,painful yearning!

“How I wish……….”,I sigh and gaze down still struggling to collect my thoughts…And as Always my mind stops here  because I never allow myself to pursure the thought and actually find out what I wish for.I have realized I am afraid to know,But today may be because its Diwali and the whole Mumbai is celebrating..and I am tired and sad..I just returned from Diwali dinner ,may be I am no longer able to hold my emotions at bay and the truth is surging into my mind with ruthless clarity!

Shame and self loathing that’s how I feel,and yes its agonizing how can I even think like that…Its midnight ,I take a deep breath and now I click to publish!

I would share this link with him as well,I want him to read,I want him to know how rejections hurt leaving you with nothing but pain..a pain which is not physical ! and how one just wants to escape into that merciful cloud of oblivion….

There is an emotion within myself that threatens to sweep me away into a deep sad ocean of misery .I feel hopless and terribly alone unable to understand that being a healer myself why am I not able to control my thoughts!

Was he right? Were my gestures over limit,overwhelming ? Did I misread the behavior? Is it my fault?

Questions are endless..Answers none!

Fighting with the miserable array of my weary thoughts ,I need to shut down the laptop,change from Saree to night dress and switch off the light .In the lonely silence of the house where I live I realize it’s almost 1 am! Time to stop …………….and yes I agree "L'on est bien faible quand on est amoureux........."

                                 Il n'est rien de réel que le rêve et l'amour.

Nine yards! # Saree

I exclaim in delight ! I feel like a nine year old again getting the favorite doll house as a gift!
As I browse online through various websites,online shopping destinations now even featuring saree,I am just in awe!
Yes I love the nine yards cloth which could be draped over the body in various shapes and styles!
I am talking about my love for  the mesmerizing  Saree as it is popularly called.It is one of the favorite experiments by almost all the Indian Fashion designers encashing on the concept of designer saree.
For me I always have been very fond of sarees,various textures,several different ways and multiple fabric!
Saree has always remained close to my heart and I have chosen to wear it in almost every important days of my Life.
Though pleasure of wearing Saree to work is still a distant dream,my office doesnt allow,well their office culture is a little too different but who cares!
Somehow in last 3 months i have succeeded in wearing Sarees to office functions!
First time I was a little hesitant as to which Saree to choose,Then I went for the safer piece.Yes When in doubt about the occasion and choice of dress,go for safer colors such as light shades or white! White georgette,pure chiffon or silk with a dark border.I opted for a dark maroon pearl lined border with white net Saree! Simple yet classy goes well with any social function..With a pearl necklace and pearl ring Simple yet appealing ,one is able to carry it well also.

White Net with pearl border

Saree signifies the grace of Indian Woman especially highlighting her curves and also adequately displaying the curves at right places.

If I trace the history of saree its all starts with Indus Valley civilization wherin in one of the statue the priest has clothe draped.

Now Saree has evolved to multiple types which varies as the region.India being a multi lingual,multi cultural place,even the style of the sarees differ.While in Maharashtra its Kastha ,in Andhra pradesh it is Nivi!

There are infact more than Eighty ways to drape a Saree.

While mostly we working class females prefer to drape saree around the waist with the loose end of the drape to be worn on the shoulder barring the midriff.

Most common way

Then there are regional style which is also known as Gujarati/Rajasthani style wherin after tucking the pleats the loose end of the drape is taken from the back

Gujarati Style

I still am left to try Malayali or  the two-piece sari, or Mundum Neryathum,  which is worn in Kerala.Perhaps my next visit to South India will lead to me to explore Kerala a bit!

And I am also to wear Kastha on the next Ganesh Chaturthi,Its one of those Maharsthrian style wherein you automatically feel like shaking your hips to Lavani! May be Dance is all I can think of each time I see ladies wearing Kastha!

Tipsy and Turvy # Dream

She gasped with pleasure and rising excitement as her body pressed  against his and felt his muscular arms close silently around her.His lips roamed over her face and his hands caressed her body,rough and demanding ….She was lying just beside him but shivering ,yes shivering in delight her mind still was unable to comprehend least figure out what was all this,perhaps this too is a dream like the numerous other she keeps on having..but she could feel him,his hard,firm body and matted hairy chest against her bare skin…and just when she thought she needs to wake up,he began to kiss her,his mouth as rough and demanding as his hands and she sighed……..

She surrendered !She was loving the feel of his lips,of the harshness and masculinity of his caress! Abrupt with need their bodies were locked together.She felt cherished,enriched,beautiful,She drifted on a wide,warm sea of eroticism and fulfillment,moaning softly with pleasure.

A rising crescendo of feeling  had surged through her ,mounting on waves of ecstasy which were almost unbearable and her heart beating had a relentless,irresistible rhythm.She was limp but flooded with deep joy…

She was drifting far away off among distant realms….the air was warm and fragrant and yes the soft music rippled wherein her face and body were touched by celestial breeze!

She knew that this was beyong her imagination,It is real,It couldn’t be just a dream.The intensity of pleasure and desire and richness of fulfillment  far surpassed anything.

Her mind and her heart refused to accept that this is a dream!

She didn’t mind closing her eyes forever,she did not want to open her eyes…….No she wont ,This has to be real and  it couldnt be just a figment of her imagination………..

उनके ही इंतज़ार में..........

राहों में खड़े हम. उनके इंतज़ार मे.…… 

ज़िन्दगी गुज़र गयी  तनहा उनके  ही   प्यार  में     

अक्सर  आंसूं पूछते  अपने  होने का सबब हमारे ज़ज्बात से.।

राते  अकेली , दिल में  बेचैनि… फिर भी हम रुके रहे उनके इंतज़ार में। ……

 मर कर भी जीते  रहे हम.…हस कर ज़हर जुदाई का पीते रहे हम। 

धड़का  भी दिल तो उसपे उनका ही नाम  था………. कुछ ऐसा दीवानापन था  हमारे ही प्यार में। । 

Tits and Bits from my old wordpress blog! Gosh! Why did I delete it

A Life!

What a life full of lies …….

Of All the hues and cries

Things are all deceptive..

Feelings too are least receptive…

Upheaval and Change a lot to ponder and lot to blame…

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Wispy Hope

Living in a impecunious state all because of him.., the quotidian feelings are now just a way of life.. Its raining here and the weather as usual is heavenly

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Only Mine

A Love like ours

Hard to find,Difficult to Define…

A feeling so real ,so tender …..So Sublime…

Crusade against the Time…

It’s a sin and a crime…

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Craziness redefined

From the aimbitious bitch to the homely avatar,I never thought one day I will just resign from the job,Infact a very good job,kind of an ideal opening for someone non-technical software engineer like me !

Painful reverie

Love is a choice you make from moment to moment. I realized when I stepped inside the car this Saturday!

I was the last of my team to have been working so late..Hence The labyrinth of deserted work areas felt like a ghost town the entire floor taking on ban almost sepulchral feel…..Anyway Its 3Am Tuesday arrived Monday over Strange Didnot realize…Lovely weather outside…..Am sitting on the balcony of my room and staring at the sky above…Moon is securely hidden behind the dark foamy grey clouds floating carelessly over the sky..no stars visible as of today..The world is fast asleep and most probably he would be sleeping..I felt an urge to give him a call and simply hear his voice……I felt a distinct pang of loneliness Like the howling wind on a stormy night..the memories came tearing back pulling at me the way they always did

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Topics Companionship Fiction Love Poetry

Careless Whispers

All I want is to be with you
You take me there where I can be with you
Coz all I want is to be with you…

Moments..School days

We do not remember days; we remember moments. ~Cesare Pavese, The Burning Brand
True Indeed..
Moments constitute memory..Seldom we find ourselves devoid of that
Often We find light of memory flickers in our eyes…

In the recesses of my heart!

I am afraid,yes I am afraid..That nagging feeling of being left all alone is still there…that worry clouding the judgements still looms over by and large!

I still have a long way to go when it comes to trusting my instincts and acting on  it.

I always have been a rebel.All the time being aginst the set standard norms,ready to defy and break the rules and blunt to an extent of being rude!

This is not a good sign,being honest doesn’t help.It never helped.I have few friends,many enemies,worst I am single.

Where are the Men who could be termed as Men! Lol here I sound sexist.Yes I am! Very much from that school of thought wherein I believe an ideal man: A man of  my dreams should be the one who wears the pants in the family,takes care of his women and I bask in his attention and love which would be showered to me and blah blah…blah…I am a typical woman,I really hate wearing denims and trousers though I do have curves that could be emphasized more still I am very much much comfortable in what I am!

Still I am born into an era of peterpan generation wherin nothing is easy and everything is easy! Contradictory yes very very much…but that’s the truth!

You sell cheap and you also buy cheap…demand and supply ratio has just been reversed.The reason I am feeling insecure is that I am in a limbo…

At this point of time I need an Angel ,perhaps while I am writing this in blog,hopefully my angel too reads it and Saves me from all the ongoing chaotic thoughts in my mind…

I strongly feel live every moment,do what you feel like and listen to your heart but today I am shaken..I am dreading the unforeseen future…….trying to be what I am not! Just because I am afraid I will die a lonely hag…I refuse to surrender but then I am getting weak…My heart is screaming out to me stop before its too Late!

You are a girl who has endured a lot worse than this than why surrender now! But that sinking feeling ….How do I fight! 

That voice of my inner Soul still guides me but yes I have apprehensions......

Eternal Optimist!

26thAugust 2013

And I am back…suffering from what we call a writers block,Now am seriously thinking of being active on the blogging front!

From Fashion to food,from sentiments to sex,Life for me has always been interesting…

I have been a confused soul well rather more of a determined Soul I would say..I have always wanted the thing I loved the most..I always had a very single minded focus on the things I have desired resulting in the ups and downs,losses and  gains…

My attraction for the life full of independences and life filled with choices have had certain repercussions….

From shopping only in the A++ categories to skipping one meal due to finances,I guess I  had gone through  a multi experiences of black and white motion movie to Technicolor pictures!

2013 had started in a very dreamy note.I had love,a sea view rented appt and a bank balance to eny…

Mid 2013 I am single,have heavy debts and moved from my flat to a sharing accomdation…

Never having used a public transport much in Bombay,forced to travel in the rickshaws and taxis,it had been tough but nevertheless on survives…

From dining in Tajmahal’s sea lounge to not having money to buy meals…….I really got a taste of how the other side lives!

Still I thank god for each passing moment ( Well Not exactly) I am not actually religious.These days I talk to my angels more than the so called existent Deities!!

Yeah I haven’t  changed my this belief ,When I was eighteen to now am twenty eight I believe in my guardian Angels.

I write to them,I speak to them and when  in doubt I prefer their help…

May be some part of me has suffered a lot but the “I” in me is still alive,is still positive and I still believe that this is not how my story will look!

Things have to fall in place…My lips will get smile back and my heart would sing One day!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah and I am accurate when I usually mention in my resume An eternal Optimist!

I couldnt sleep last night!!!

Life is quite unpredictable when it comes to me and Writing gives me a window to express my incoherent thoughts and dilemma that I find myself in!
At times you need to choose,There is always a choice involved which shapes up the path ahead..As I find myself in continous struggle to constantly prove to myself that I too am capable...
But there comes a time when all is lost...each passing moment is nothing but a painful reminder of a Life which could have been mine...Each day another struggle...
Yesterday was one of those days..I felt cheated..I felt as if the world had crashed and The person whom I have started loving had just let me down...
Yes It happens when you Hero Worship someone but then that someone refuses to even acknowledge, it hurts!
Emotions play havoc and that  imbalance occurs...Today is not a weekend but I am sitting alone in my flat not going to work and writing just to vent my feelings..
Writing always gives me strength and provides an escape from the harsh reality..
As I searched his face for some remote support I saw none,he just misunderstood me like the others and passed his judgement...
A numbness that had crept over me as though in preparation for his harsh words yesterday and yes I did lift my eyes to stare him straight in his mocking eyes ....but then tears began to flow not in a healing flood but a wild torrent of despair that had rented my body in two....!!
I couldnt sleep last night!!!!!!!

Thinking Beyond

"Mediocrity and anonymity are the safest choice".

 If you opt for them, you’ll never face any major problems in life. But if you try to be different,Hell breaks loose.and it is  relevant in every sphere of our Life
Seldom people dare to think beyond hence they accept and compromise but what if we donot compromise.

Infact we live in a traditional country which believes in being safe,playing safe be it the economy,be it the investments and be it the government,Well am not to keen to write about the socio economic culture about India neither do I have any grudges against my Government.Being an honest income tax payee citizen I do understand what are my rights and what are my duties .

But well nothing is relevant,it was just that I have a dream like many other people have.So there is no much difference yes the only twist is that I am currently not working anywhere ,yes its so wonderful finally to realise life doesnt revolve around outlook,organisers,spreadsheets and powerpoints.ATL,BTL,Even TTL are History now.
I am free to spend my night dreaming without thinking at the back of my mind what my next day meeting would go with so and so,without checking again and again that when the target will be achieved  .
Irrelevant targets and Irrelevant work,I actually felt as if I am just wasting my skills,my brains behind something which is anyways a piece of nonsense designed by some bored rich business man to fool the common man! Now I have nothing against my previous employers,its just that how relaxed I feel.How happy I am these days.
So what I get continous calls from way back home by my worried mother that what her daughter is doing..! Well to make her understand is something I cannot.
Finally having everything in place is a tough task but I know Now there has come a "Fullstop" stage in my life where I am slowly but steadily working towards my destination.
Thinking Beyond and ahead lies the path towards my dreams.

Anthem of Life

My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose.” | Anthem

Its year 2013,a year which has its own importance acording to numerology and according to my Parents!
Yes I am still happily single but so it happened few of my cousins my school friends decided to get married in 2012 so am facing the aftermath! Like any other middle class Indian family I get calls on daily basis from my birth giving parents as to when ,when and when?
They dont know or may be perhaps they are trying to overlook that their eldest daughter is not going to give in ,well not give in at all to the social pressures or obligations whatsoever!
I am a strict believe and follower of the " I " ...And Thats how Ayn Rand in this post is relevant.
Whenever I get time to ponder ( time is a rare entity theses days,mumbai has this charm)or even think,analyse what am I doing......?
The Answer comes to me very easily I am just trying to be happy..
Its not that am daily circled with clouds of happiness,I have failures,I have tears,I have heart breaks ,I get stabbed in the back too! but at the end what matters is I am happy after resolving all the hither and dither little issues of my life :)
This year too,Anthem ...The Mantra for my Life remains focussed on just one word "Happiness"