“I am sorry ,I don’t Love you,I never did.Even if I will love someone then that someone would never be you .”
A crippling pain made it impossible for her to move.
She had planned to gamble everything on one bold throw.To tell the truth and shame the devil.If that did not work,the future didn’t bear contemplating.
She stared at her surrounding through a haze of tears,seeing the beauty of the dark night,silence all around her!
Drawing in a pained breath,She turned away.”Except that he never loved me,”she said coldly..There was nobody to listen to her though. Atleast acquit him of dishonesty,!Caveat emptor,she thought .Let the buyer beware .That was exactly the case when she had gone into an affair with him.He had been honest ,everything else was done at h er own risk.She wasn’t a natural gambler.For that you had to be prepared to lose.But weren’t somethings worth the risk?She just didn’t know
For her their relationship had been a commitment,but for him not even a relationship .
She quivered thinking of the intensity of desire they had shared and wondered whether he also misses her or not? But then if he had he would have atleast received her phone but like always he had just ignored Least bothered to acknowledge ,She had tried calling him “n” no. of times but he had been persistently avoiding her .Letting her feel insulted and low,not that she suffered from low self esteem,She was least dependent on anybody to make her feel inferior but God knows how his apathy hurt her …She had felt something that went beyond the normal carnal lust.She had felt a bonding ,a kind of connection with this particular man.An overwhelming need to know everything about and experience everything with this-this particular man.Somehow she she had always known that he could be vitally important to her .It was scray and exciting and had drawn her towards realms she would otherwise would have never dreamed of exploring.Her blood used to sing siren song caught up in an exciting new world when she used to lie without clothes on in his arms…
Yet while he wanted her with all passions he displayed,he didn’t want her love.Despair engulfed her.what on earth was she to do ?
In his arms she had been her true self and had known instinctively she could only ever be so with him.It had to be the cruelest of jokes,She hadn’t asked to feel this way,hadn’t known she was capable of this depth of emotion .Then to discover that how he abhorred her was bitter indeed
She had found herself with the choice she had never thought she would have to make.His terms left no rooms for bargaining and She had accepted that ..On offer she had an affair of passion but not of love and she loved him.To keep him,She had to deny it which she eventually ended up doing.But then how long could she have hidden the only true gift she had-Love.
Love to her had always meant marriage,family the whole thing yet she had locked that away in her heart and accepted only the affair!
An affair that lasted as long as he wanted her in his bed.Like the month of December when he throwed her out from his life and yes form his car ,She still remembered how vulnerable she had felt,how she had beseeched him,Still trying her best to get things back to the track despite of facing the physical violence again-not for the first time had he hit her but then Still she had tried..Hadn’t she ?
This time she had been honest,had been true but then it turned out fake.He failed to see her ,least respect her..She had tried calling him an hour ago but then when did he pick her calls,he not only refused to meet her but accused her this time too,the only difference was it she knew that even deep down in his heart he also knew that She was not guilty not this time…….
The eerie silence of the night reminded her of the eternity of emtiness that she now had to face Well decided to face,She had come out bare foot while the whole houisehold slept.It was around two in the night,even the moon was sleepy she looked above in the sky..One tear slid slowly down her cheek.It was so much cold,February nights are so cold especially when you have been wounded and rejected.The only person you would want to speak to is ignoring your phone call..Her toes curled from the cold but then her pain had made the cold bearable,he was not here to warm her but how she longed for his wet kissed-for his hugs -for his probing tongue that evaded her mouth with searing sensuality,imitating the longing that started up an ache deep down inside her.Her sensitized breasts dying to come in intimate contact of her hair roughened skin of his chest.She longed-She wished to arch into the delicious sensation,becoming wild creature in his arms shuddering at each new caress of his hands and lips on her body exulting as she would have felt him respod to her increasingly bold caress of his silken torso..
She glanced at the phone in her hand,he wont even call back..Aah he never even bothered to hear her out –forget the call back..Wild awake in this hour she felt the chilling reality –faced the cold wind and wondered is that where they were destined to come to-to nowhere..He no longer ….she simply couldn’t believe.She had believed in him-believed in the love and trail of love that was a merging of passion to reason..
It was turning to be a restless night again..While everyone slept including him or may be he would be busy somewhere else-who knows she thought venomously but for one thing which her heart constantly tugged her despite of everything it was faith..Have faith in Love-your Love ,yes he might or might not be busy –he might –might not be sleeping but nothing is permanent ,theres this tempoaral nature –attached to everything be it feeling ,be it feeling,she couldn’t prove anything She neednot but yes She had faith..She had believed thought it was almost shattered but Still she had manged to held her head high and smile and listen to her heart and……guess its not a good idea to type when you are wearing just a night gown ,barefoot and all by yourself out in the night sitting in the garden even the plants sleep,watery moonlight is of no good and stars are next to invisible at this wee hour..Feets are turning blue due to cold and humming of mosquitoes is now only the audible sound..